I am on a roll. There are ideas in my head and goals in my heart, and I'm on a bit of a cleaning/changing-it-up spree and feeling ambitious. Energized. Motivated.
Thankful.
This Thanksgiving is a bit of a hump because it's the first one as true empty nesters. While our girls spend the holiday together in Philadelphia (with The Fiance), we will head to a wonderful dinner at our church, visit a very close friend in the hospital, then finally stop and say hello to another friend and her family. It's a full day - no time to sit around and think (except for right now, because my partner in crime is still sleeping).
But if there was time, I would think about a lot of things.
Like the "I love you" texts I often get from both children. Whether they know how much their messages mean to me or not, Verizon does, since I saved so many of them that my phone went into a frenzy at one point.
Or the way a certain spouse made me laugh with his goofy way of apologizing the other day when he thought he ticked me off. He did, a little, but over the years and with much practice we have learned to disarm each other - often with humor - and come back to common ground.
What about appreciating our big, lunky Golden Retriever who can't see a darn thing but will search every square inch of the living room floor, banging his head against furniture and knocking over the trash can, until he finds a toy to bring to us when we get home.
And the cat. Oh yes, that cat. She is sleeping on my pillow at the moment... in fact, she is sleeping on three quarters of my pillow. But I don't mind because she is my connection to my kids at this point, and I happily give her the attention she will often demand. And I do mean demand.
I think about the fact that we have a home and food and friends and a church we love. Thankful that even though we are not with extended family today, as we have often been for this holiday, they are all safe in their own homes, hopefully feeling thankful in their own way.
My mother-in-law passed away at 93 in late September, ironically on my dad's birthday (he would have been 87), so we have had our tough moments also. A while back I had asked her to consider writing down some of her life adventures. She and my father-in-law had traveled across the country in a tiny Shasta trailer; she had done volunteer work for the Red Cross after he passed away and was assigned to some rough areas during that time; and she had done much charity work over the years, which I wanted my children and their cousins to know about. Her vast experiences were worth passing on to her grandchildren, I cajoled.
In her house we discovered that she had tried to honor my request. She had done so in not one but two different diaries, neither of which had many pages written on, sadly because by the time I had thought to request this of her, her health was failing and she was not able to write. She hid this fact for a while until she could no longer deny it, and within a year she was gone. But she did share some wonderful things that none of her children or grandchildren would have otherwise known about her life.
On the last page she was able to write, she talked about being thankful and blessed with four wonderful children who loved her, and that they were what kept her going every day. It was a sweet, perfect way to end what should not have been the end yet, but was.
I'm sure she didn't always feel thankful. I know I don't always feel thankful, and I'm guessing you don't either. But I'm finding these days that it's really very easy to find things to appreciate about life, not because I see people who are worse off, but because of the goodness around me.
For instance, I have a trunk full of coats that members of our church have donated for Coats for Kids, and another three bags sitting in the parish entryway to be picked up. People are good and kind and generous, and all we have to do is ask someone's help to find that out.
So on this Thanksgiving morning I want to end with a quote from Nick Vujicic, a man with no arms and no legs. Look him up - his story is worth your time.
"I have never met a bitter person who was thankful, or a thankful person who was bitter."
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. Happy Thankfulness.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
You call that multi-tasking?
My husband left his breakfast dish in the sink this morning.
He was in a hurry to get ready for work because he wanted to start his day
early today, so the 20 seconds it would have taken to rinse his dish off and
put it in the dishwasher was - you can totally understand this - out of the
question.
I should make it clear that my spouse does his fair share
for the most part around the house. He will wash the dishes, do laundry
(folding? let's not go there), feed the animals. He also handles many things I
cannot, or rather, have no interest in, learning how to handle such as plumbing
or electrical stuff (that would be the technical term). So this is not going to
be a husband bashing post at all. It is simply being written to point out what every
woman knows.
Men can not multi-task.
They call it multi-tasking when they have a beer in one hand
and the remote in the other and they can't possibly concentrate on the
conversation you're trying to have with them. All right, - that is selective hearing, I'll give you that. Back to the not-multi-tasking part.
They are stretching themselves
too thin if they have to pick up a tool and a bunch of rags and then have to
figure out how to open the door. That's what you are there for - those moments
when your life partner needs you to push the kitchen door open and let him
barge through, grunting that you're in his way as you dangle shoeless inside
and outside, hoping not to get pushed onto the porch (which inevitably will be
wet from rain or snow or something he spilled) on his way by.
Here's the thing.
If men multi-task, then women multi-multi-task.
In the same scenario, a female would have mail and a Dunkin
Donuts coffee in one hand and three bags of groceries in the other, and if she
was not able to use her pinky to pry open the door, she would consider using her
teeth.
You know I’m right. At this moment you are reading this blog,
checking your email, folding clothes, and starting dinner. Look at yourself -
and get the letter opener out of your mouth.
This morning as I was feeding the blind dog and screaming
cat while the other pet owner rushed around the house to get ready for his 'early'
morning, I suddenly saw the whole scenario clearly. There I was trying to
pry the top off a can of cat food with two fingers while holding a knife in one
hand and drying off a dish with three of my fingers while attempting to open
the refrigerator door with one foot.
Fine, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But the holding
the knife thing and trying to pry a can open - totally true.
The point I'm trying to make and take full credit for is
that women don't know how to put things down before they take on something else
- and nobody expects them to. Whenever someone in the house is yelling that
they can't find socks, shoes, a brush, the kitchen table - whatever it is - the (insert mom or wife or partner here) is wandering down the hall half-dressed, pulling the lost shoe
out from under the sofa, waving the socks in the air that she found (and nobody
else could possibly focus on) in the basket of unfolded clothes that's been sitting in the living room for
three days, and sweeping everything off the kitchen table into a box to be gone
through later.
Oh, that fateful word, later. I believe we are on box number
four of "laters" - hidden somewhere behind the seldom touched far
side of the sofa.
And then she would finish getting dressed, hopefully without
having toothpaste spittle working its way down her bra this time.
Not that I speak from experience or anything.
It's not just this day and age either - this has been going
on since the stone age. A caveman would bring home a yak or a tree and the
cavewoman would be responsible for chopping up dinner (without a freezer to
store it in, mind you) as well as having to sauté the vegetables. In the meantime the cavekids would have to
be entertained (no cable - remember?) and you can only send them to stone age
survival camp so many times.
Even as
a child I was aware that my mom was a multi-tasking fiend. The rest of the
family would be sitting down to dinner for ten minutes before she even got to
sniff the food she had meticulously prepared. She also managed to get herself
in trouble a few times due to getting a tad carried away with tasks. Take the time
I came home from school and she was stuck on top of some appliance – a refrigerator
or freezer, something cold that was meant to hold food and not people - at the
bottom of our cellar steps. The woman has never hit five feet, so how she got
on there in first place is beyond me, even with the help of a chair which had
since tipped over and made a semi-graceful descent impossible. This was not the
time to laugh. And yet…
Maybe we were born to do several things at once and not
whine about it. Or maybe we should start whining more and see how much help we
get.
I’ll figure it out later - I have to go now. The stove timer
is ringing. And the dog is crossing his legs. And the cat is eating the drywall
again.
Where’s my letter opener?
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Four (more) weeks
Have I mentioned that my only two children have taken to the far
ends of the earth, by that I mean Pennsylvania, as their current address?
How ironic is it that both girls are learning to fly in unfamiliar
territory, far from the protective wings of their mother? How odd is it that
both girls ended up (or started, depending on how I choose to look at it at the
moment) in Pennsylvania when I never spoke of such a place, not even in terms
of Hershey.
But I have four more weeks. That’s when my sky will begin to lighten up. And no, it has
nothing to do with the winter solstice (which is a week later, by the way – yay!).
It has everything to do with the kids coming home, at least temporarily.
The past three months have not been completely without family time. We
were able to slip a few 24-hour visits in and I was sort of satisfied with
that. Now I just need to get past Thanksgiving, which will be – for the first
time in 25 years – minus at least one of my girls here to watch the parade in
their pajamas, scoff down a big breakfast, and celebrate with us in various
ways (at home, or church, or serving dinner to others). They will be sharing the
holiday together (along with The Boy, of course) in Philadelphia, where they
will walk down the street to a huge parade followed the next day by the
unveiling of holiday window displays, light shows, the works. I admit to being a
teeny bit jealous. In fact, I am already plotting – planning, that should have
said planning - our visit to Philly next year at this time.
Before anyone reading this has a picture in their mind of two lonely empty nesters sitting home with a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store watching NCIS reruns on cable (which, by the way, we just got back - and oh yes, that will definitely be a future blog post), we do have other places to go/things to do on Thanksgiving. We will not be sitting here waiting for our children to appear on Skype... well, not until that evening anyway.
Before anyone reading this has a picture in their mind of two lonely empty nesters sitting home with a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store watching NCIS reruns on cable (which, by the way, we just got back - and oh yes, that will definitely be a future blog post), we do have other places to go/things to do on Thanksgiving. We will not be sitting here waiting for our children to appear on Skype... well, not until that evening anyway.
Recently a friend asked me how the empty nest was, and my honest reply
was a little laugh and a “Not bad.” No, really – it’s not bad at all. In fact,
I am already aware that some adjustments will be tough when YK comes home in
four weeks. For instance, S and I don’t talk quietly
in the morning any more; this will have to be relearned because I am willing to bet that a certain college student whose first class this semester
isn’t until 10 a.m. will not be receptive to being jolted awake by
conversations that start with, “Did you feed the animals yet?” loud enough to
be heard through the bathroom door.
Even my grocery shopping has changed – I haven’t bought a gallon of
milk in three months, shrinking down to half gallons (and considering quarts) since
it only gets used for coffee and the occasional bowl of cereal. This won’t fly
when it’s more than just the two of us. We’ll need to have more milk and bread
and definitely peanut butter available for the month of winter break.
I am willing to make these adjustments. More than willing – I can’t
wait. Though it happens less these days, every once in a while this feeling of emotional
urgency mixed with a legitimate sadness sweeps over me… as if deep down my heart is
somehow trying to grasp at my children and pull them back to me. It is a
fleeting but powerful ache that might be dredged up by simply seeing Facebook
photos of friends whose kids who are able to bop home for the weekend, or hearing about parents heading to a college campus that’s within a few hours. I
sincerely do not begrudge anyone those moments, but my own longing for the
opportunity to see my girls a little more often has, I admit, impeded me from
automatically “liking” some of those posts.
And yet… this countdown of four weeks allows me to prepare and
anticipate, especially because in five
- did you get that? - in FIVE weeks this house will once
again be filled with family. Yup, the gang will be here for Christmas. Be
thankful you cannot see my happy dance right now.
Now let’s get down to the reality of the days to come. Holiday stress.
Raise your hand
if you've ever had to scoff down a piece of toast and a cup of coffee as you
are standing in the doorway between the kitchen and living room while Christmas
presents are being opened, rush out the door for a huge dinner precisely at
noon at the home of Parental Set #1, and run across town (or state)
to Parental Set #2 in time for more unwrapping followed by a huge dinner at 3
p.m., when you haven’t even started to digest that morning’s toast. The
“joyful” holiday season can turn into a competition in which someone’s feelings
are bound to get hurt no matter how you try to stretch yourself, agreed?
I am sure at least some of
you have faced a similar scenario during holidays or birthdays (or anything
that makes you wish your clone was with family while the real you basks on an
island somewhere). I vowed not to do
that to our kids. They would not have us dictating what day or time they should
be with us on holidays. It should be up to them and we would respect their
decision whether or not to be present.
I did say that.
I meant it.
At the time.
Then last
Christmas happened, and OK and The Boy spent it in Bora Bora with his family
(where his dad, the manager for an incredible luxury hotel that I will most
likely never set foot in, was assigned at the time). He set the perfect scene
at dusk on the beach, produced a shell with a diamond ring hidden inside (thank
goodness it was the right shell), and asked her to marry him. It could not have
been more perfect.
Naturally, this
meant only one thing. I called dibs on this
Christmas almost before they arrived back home last year. As it turns out, I am
getting my way… wait -- wish. I meant wish. Since then I figured out a way to
transport the Love Couple to Connecticut the weekend before Christmas so we can
rendezvous, visit family, then all ride together back Maine where they will
spend the week. Unfortunately for them, coming here for Christmas has basically
forced them to use every remaining minute of their vacation time, which I
really did not want them to have to
do. I feel bad. Oh… no, wait – not really that bad. I get them for A Whole Week
(insert maniacal laugh).
This is also the
Year of Wedding Planning. I am beyond
excited that OK and her intended will be making a trip to what is likely the
venue for their special day. I have to say, trying to picture my first-born, my
beautiful, sweet, future ballerina-doctor (she was four at the time) baby girl,
as someone’s wife (even The Boy, who we happen to adore) is… overwhelming, but
in a very, very good way. I also never pictured her thriving in a place like
Philadelphia when she grew up in a town of 19,000, and I am happy and proud to
say city life fits her perfectly.
I am also aware,
while this will be YK’s first actual college winter break, it could possibly be
the last break she will remain home for. It would not surprise me at all if she
either spends a chunk of time visiting newfound college friends during future breaks
or arranges for a study abroad as part of it. Her school labels study abroad
excursions “Go Long” or “Go Short” depending on the length (obviously). I am
hoping to get one more year out of the holidays before YK will just be thinking,
“GO.”
Last night our church sponsored a cookie bake to support today’s church
fair cookie walk. A crew of kids decorated the sugar cookies, swiftly bringing
back memories of my own kids joining in, sometimes bringing friends. Icing and
sprinkles coated tables, and little candy balls are probably still rolling
around the floor this morning. Simple fun. Sweet memories. I am so thankful
to have them, just as the moms who were calmly directing last night’s craziness will
be.
Of course, there is much preparation before we are gleefully ascended
upon. So far my pre-visit grocery list (shells for stuffing, pumpkin pie,
bread, cream cheese, and strawberries for stuffed French toast) is worlds apart
from the last three months. We will have to clear out OK’s bedroom (which has
more or less become The Spare Room - and we all know what that means) and wash
YK’s sheets, since her cat spent the first few days of her absence vengefully
shedding every possible piece of fur on her pillow and sheets.
We also get to include The Boy in our annual tradition of heading to
the beach for sunrise Christmas morning. I’m thinking it won’t be quite the
same as waking up to the sandy beaches of Bora Bora, where they didn’t have to
worry about parkas, hats, and mittens. That’s not the point – it’s family time.
And it makes you appreciate the hot coffee and cocoa waiting back at home,
which you obviously wouldn’t get the full effect of in 80+ degree temps.
Besides, it’s humid in Bora Bora in December – who needs that, right?
So there you have it, the reasons for my quest to gain control of The
Most Wonderful Time of the Year. I
plan to cherish every exhausting minute of it. And I know it will go by quicker
than I can say, “What about next year?”
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Beware of the bear (but which one?)
I've been thinking a lot
about bears lately. I believe it's safe to say we all know bears are dangerous
animals that need little if any provocation to chase you down and have you for
dinner (literally) and should be respected and, yes, feared. But what about
when people turn into bears? What reaction do they deserve?
Recently I came across a bear of sorts,
in an office setting of all places. This bear reacted to something I had done
as if it had been a personal attack, which everyone else around knew it was
not. He came at me with teeth showing, claws bared, ready to gnaw on my throat
and throw my remains into the trash... or maybe the recycling. Either way, the
bear was in the wrong, as bears can be in their assumption that someone or
something is a threat to their manhood (or bearhood). Now, I will give a real bear
leeway here - you can't very well explain or defend yourself when you're in the
middle of the woods standing next to his favorite berry tree. You should,
however, have the opportunity to explain or defend yourself when facing a bear
in a suit and tie. If they will let you get a word in edgewise. That
was not going to happen.
I respect bears, and in fact, any
creature that might decide I would go well with a nice bottle of chianti.
Respecting someone who acts bear-ish is another story. Who among us has not had
someone "put them in their place" in a completely unacceptable way
for utterly wrong reasons? It's difficult to respect someone whose approach is
to demean and embarrass you, especially within earshot of others. Even when you
are steadfast in the fact that you did nothing wrong, the sheer force of
the attack can wither your will to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you need
support. Which leads me to another type of bear.
The Mama Bear. Now there's a bear I can
relate to and understand, because I am one. My girls know full well that
someone might mess with me and get away with it, but try messing with one of my
offspring and find out just how big of a mistake that was. While I
believe I've taught them to be strong in their convictions, we all know
standing up for yourself is just plain hard when you are being thrown under the
bus. Mama bears tend to stand in front of the bus and stare the driver down. My
kids would likely say that's my specialty.
What I discovered this week was that mama
bears can be found in the most unexpected places. While I was trying to regain
my composure after the initial onslaught, little did I know that a fire had
been lit under someone who heard everything (it would have been almost
impossible not to). So the next day when the person who would make the final
call was back in the office from a road trip, she was given a blow-by-blow
account by someone other than me that I'm fairly sure wrapped up with,
"This was totally not okay."
Within minutes of the bear appearing
that day (acting as if nothing had happened), he was briskly shown the error of
his ways. Did he agree? Of course not - bears in suits don't have the capacity
to think past licking their own... wounds. Mama bears, however, do have a distinct
talent for making it crystal clear this will not happen again. Or else. Even bears have enough sense to
not ask what "or else" means.
Two things strike me here.
The first is that this particular bear is
an intelligent, somewhat successful, supposedly sophisticated person. I wonder
if he realizes he came down a notch or two not just in my eyes, but in the eyes
of others who had been witness to his unwarranted rage.
The second is that knowing others had my
back made all the difference in how this scenario was dealt with. I did take
some offense to the fact that, while this bear had absolutely no trouble
berating me loudly in a totally inappropriate setting, he did not have the...
the... I'll go with guts here - he did not have the guts, or the class, to apologize
in the same setting. Instead he sent an email that was one third apology, one
third justification (poor excuse) for his behavior, and one third "feel
free to talk with me about it," which I chose to pass on. But because I
knew by then someone else had stood up for me when she didn't have to, I was
able to let it go. A mama bear had my back, and it meant more to me than she
knew.
We are surrounded by bears on a fairly
regular basis, people that seem to specialize in crushing you with their
thoughtless, stinging words or actions. Thankfully, we are also gifted
with mama bears, male and female, who don't hesitate to step up - and
in - when they witness someone being weakened by aggression. Those are the
bears that deserve respect.
So don't be afraid to let your inner bear
have some input when necessary.
As long as that bear is your
mama.
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