I've been thinking a lot
about bears lately. I believe it's safe to say we all know bears are dangerous
animals that need little if any provocation to chase you down and have you for
dinner (literally) and should be respected and, yes, feared. But what about
when people turn into bears? What reaction do they deserve?
Recently I came across a bear of sorts,
in an office setting of all places. This bear reacted to something I had done
as if it had been a personal attack, which everyone else around knew it was
not. He came at me with teeth showing, claws bared, ready to gnaw on my throat
and throw my remains into the trash... or maybe the recycling. Either way, the
bear was in the wrong, as bears can be in their assumption that someone or
something is a threat to their manhood (or bearhood). Now, I will give a real bear
leeway here - you can't very well explain or defend yourself when you're in the
middle of the woods standing next to his favorite berry tree. You should,
however, have the opportunity to explain or defend yourself when facing a bear
in a suit and tie. If they will let you get a word in edgewise. That
was not going to happen.
I respect bears, and in fact, any
creature that might decide I would go well with a nice bottle of chianti.
Respecting someone who acts bear-ish is another story. Who among us has not had
someone "put them in their place" in a completely unacceptable way
for utterly wrong reasons? It's difficult to respect someone whose approach is
to demean and embarrass you, especially within earshot of others. Even when you
are steadfast in the fact that you did nothing wrong, the sheer force of
the attack can wither your will to stand up for yourself. Sometimes you need
support. Which leads me to another type of bear.
The Mama Bear. Now there's a bear I can
relate to and understand, because I am one. My girls know full well that
someone might mess with me and get away with it, but try messing with one of my
offspring and find out just how big of a mistake that was. While I
believe I've taught them to be strong in their convictions, we all know
standing up for yourself is just plain hard when you are being thrown under the
bus. Mama bears tend to stand in front of the bus and stare the driver down. My
kids would likely say that's my specialty.
What I discovered this week was that mama
bears can be found in the most unexpected places. While I was trying to regain
my composure after the initial onslaught, little did I know that a fire had
been lit under someone who heard everything (it would have been almost
impossible not to). So the next day when the person who would make the final
call was back in the office from a road trip, she was given a blow-by-blow
account by someone other than me that I'm fairly sure wrapped up with,
"This was totally not okay."
Within minutes of the bear appearing
that day (acting as if nothing had happened), he was briskly shown the error of
his ways. Did he agree? Of course not - bears in suits don't have the capacity
to think past licking their own... wounds. Mama bears, however, do have a distinct
talent for making it crystal clear this will not happen again. Or else. Even bears have enough sense to
not ask what "or else" means.
Two things strike me here.
The first is that this particular bear is
an intelligent, somewhat successful, supposedly sophisticated person. I wonder
if he realizes he came down a notch or two not just in my eyes, but in the eyes
of others who had been witness to his unwarranted rage.
The second is that knowing others had my
back made all the difference in how this scenario was dealt with. I did take
some offense to the fact that, while this bear had absolutely no trouble
berating me loudly in a totally inappropriate setting, he did not have the...
the... I'll go with guts here - he did not have the guts, or the class, to apologize
in the same setting. Instead he sent an email that was one third apology, one
third justification (poor excuse) for his behavior, and one third "feel
free to talk with me about it," which I chose to pass on. But because I
knew by then someone else had stood up for me when she didn't have to, I was
able to let it go. A mama bear had my back, and it meant more to me than she
knew.
We are surrounded by bears on a fairly
regular basis, people that seem to specialize in crushing you with their
thoughtless, stinging words or actions. Thankfully, we are also gifted
with mama bears, male and female, who don't hesitate to step up - and
in - when they witness someone being weakened by aggression. Those are the
bears that deserve respect.
So don't be afraid to let your inner bear
have some input when necessary.
As long as that bear is your
mama.
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