Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Years Wrestlelutions

New Years Day. The perfect day to start fresh, make commitments, vow to accomplish/ create/ devote/ let go of.... really?

Honestly, New Years Day is the absolutely Worst Day for me to start something new. I don't know about you but my most accomplished phases were originally developed somewhere around 2:30 in the afternoon on any given day of the week, and occasionally in the middle of the night when I might startle myself awake with some sort of epiphany (which, if I'm thinking somewhat clearly at the time, I will immediately jot down so as not to completely dismiss the thought by daylight).

But resolving to start today and stick to anything? No.... just - no.

And yet, as I was writing this my spouse of going on 30 years just now asked me, "So what's going to be the first thing we're going to accomplish in --"

Needless to say, he was immediately cut off.

There really are a few things I have some type of resolve about this year (this year - not today, not this week - this year, people). Maybe these are also on your bucket list for 2014. Chances are they're not.

1) I was watching a segment from a talk show the other day. My attention span is limited to segments, not whole shows, so it's probably just as well that I need to work full-time to support my writing habit. Anyway, there was this absolutely gorgeous, size 12, 6'2" plus size model (size 12 - thank you, fashion industry, for your warped interpretation of 'plus size'), talking about how women need to learn to love their bodies and stop worrying about being a certain weight. That's nearly impossible, I admit. But it got me thinking... I've spent so much time in the "weight loss" section of Google when all I really need to do is grow. So I Googled "height gain" - the opposite of weight loss (clever, right?). Guess what? WikiHow, YouTube, and several crackpot - I mean, perfectly respectable - websites offer suggestions for becoming taller. They don't necessarily specify how to do it after age 50, but I'm sure I can find something among all these possibilities. By this time next year I could be 6'2" and size 12. Only 14 inches to go. And I don't even care about being a model, so we won't need to worry about that pesky "gorgeous" issue.

2) I'm going to stop cutting coupons. Listen... there is a bright green box on my kitchen counter usually overflowing with good intentions known as coupons for A) things I don't normally buy and B) things I bought 48 of the last time I was at Sam's Club and won't run out of until 2016. Do you all (both) know what this means? It means I will not ever use these coupons, especially since 9 out of 10 times I don't even remember to bring the dang coupon box, and when I do, it's the day after the useful ones expired. I don't clean the coupon box out frequently... I don't clean anything frequently.

3) Table manners will be rewritten. That napkin on the lap thing? Oh, please. Let's just say I am what is known as "well endowed" - though dictionary.com identifies that term as "to provide with a permanent fund or source of income (huh?)" and "to furnish, as with some talent, faculty, or quality; equip..." Okay, well - maybe I am equipped, so to speak. I admit the equipment shed may have migrated to the southern hemisphere over the years. My point is - any morsel that misses my mouth never, ever reaches my lap. In fact, my lap has never seen the light of day. My mother often tucks her napkin into her collar, and I know you may think that sounds laughable. I now deem it Logical, especially when the distance between your mouth and your lap is interrupted by a shelf that could hold the TV Guide and the remote.

So you see, I do have goals, sort of. And as for those of you who have a list of resolutions like:

Eat healthier
Get together with friends more often
Become financially stable

You can't fool me. I know somewhere in your house is at least one coupon that expired December 31, 2013.

1 comment:

  1. HAHA OMG how true-I am so a napkin in the lap girl, except that it won't stay on my fat thigh long enough and ends up on the floor. And coupons, BWAHAHAHA-except i'm 2 years away from Senior Day--bring it bitches!

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