Lyrical Laughs

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The four-letter word that needs to be banned

There are few things I sternly put my foot down about at home. However, there are times when you just have to make it clear that some things are just not acceptable – some behaviors forbidden, especially when it comes to language. In my house there is one four-letter word that needs to be avoided at all costs. The mere mention of this word can corrupt minds young and old and send you down the path of self-destruction with the very temptation of its use.

The word is Etsy.

Do you see how easily it rolls off the tongue, as if it was there since the dawning of time instead of just created less than ten years ago? Did you just hear a musical carousel start to play because this word is just so cute that it almost screams “Go! Have fun!” in your head? Can you feel its grip as it lures you toward the statement silk bow bracelet that entwines around your wrist on a metal plated bangle? Do you find yourself wondering how any bride can glide down the aisle without a red floral fascinator headband? I mean seriously, it’s not even fair to leave the house without a cool tote back that says “I like big books and I cannot lie” – am I right?

Of course I’m not right. I’m insane. You have to admit that spending more than four minutes on Etsy could certainly lead to insanity in that I Have to Have This kind of way.

Fortunately, I am not much of a shopper. I’m a search and seize kind of girl. Show me a mall and I’ll show you a bad excuse for wildly overpriced shoes, sushi and spatulas. Etsy sells shoes and spatulas (not sushi). I had no idea there were so many kinds of spatulas. I’m feeling like I’ve led a bit of a sheltered life now.

Etsy sells everything. Just for kicks I typed the word soul in the Etsy search bar. They actually sell souls. Well, not souls, technically. But there was some kind of soul eater doll, which seriously creeps me out even though it was kind of adorable.

Unfortunately, that non-shopping gene did not extend to my children. No, no – they got their father’s penchant for purchases. And this is why Etsy needs to be banned from our home.

My husband doesn’t really know what Etsy is. If you brought Etsy up in front of him right now he would probably say “What’s an Etsy?” This is the same reaction we got when we were making fun of Jersey Shore a few years ago and he asked “What’s a Snookie?” So he’s not really an issue, as long as Home Depot doesn’t start selling on Etsy.

Here’s the problem with banning it at home and having no control over any other environment.

Our oldest daughter has a life of her own in Philadelphia. She has been exposed to and has helped support Etsy, Amazon, Ikea – all the tricks of the trade that reel people in. My only glimmer of hope is that she and her future husband are saving for their honeymoon… and hopefully groceries.

Our youngest daughter is what you might call a stress shopper. This stress shopping tends to occur when she is 8 hours away at college. I’m pretty sure I am aware of maybe half of her Etsy purchases. The really sick part is that her shopping triumphs at Etsy have most likely encouraged her to find bargains at other websites who adore college students with work-study jobs and debit cards.

So I need to teach this kid how to better handle stress or hope she graduates in three years with a guaranteed job that can link her pay directly to the Etsy shopping cart.

Either way, Etsy, I am out to end your reign of handmade high waist purple spotted denim shorts terror. You are going down before our charge card limit goes up.

That is, as soon as I can tear myself away from this vintage orange tin box with the parrot in a birdcage design. So cute!

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