Lyrical Laughs

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Maine winters are medal worthy

The Winter Olympics have been the highlight of our television time for the past two weeks. With closing ceremonies taking place this Sunday, we can once again look forward to not feeling guilty for ordering take-out while witnessing the training regimens of various competitors.

Did you happen to catch the aerial skiing competition? I was dizzy just trying to keep up with the names of their insane moves. The only full, double full, full moves going on in this house are related to not stepping on a cat during meal time. Spouse and I used to ski back in the stone age, i.e., when we were dating. I wasn’t very good at it but you had to give me an A for effort - and for being able to walk the next day.

There were so many incredible moments and jaw-dropping feats over the past two weeks… and then there was curling, which I swear was created specifically for parents of toddlers and/or teenagers who desperately need a safe space to vent. Is there any other reason to scream at a giant 44-pound stone while balancing on ice with a broom?

I’m curious… tell me how you feel about these phrases describing Olympic events: Plummeting head-first down a steep and treacherous ice track on a tiny sled; timed runs down narrow, twisted, banked, iced tracks in a gravity powered sled; no protection should they make an error.

These statements would cause fear in the average person – but not in a Mainer. We deal with such terrifying circumstances from November through March at the very least with our own Olympics to contend with.

First, there’s the Mom at the Mall Biathlon. This entails attempting to use your one-day-only Macy’s 20 percent off coupon before bringing three kids to Supercuts without calling ahead… during February school break.

One of my (least) favorite events is the Brick Sidewalk Luge. It doesn’t involve an actual luge, but walking through Portland’s Old Port after the sidewalks are plowed and not sanded can have the same effect as hurtling down a slippery ice track at great speed. For extra points, use the arms-grasping-at-air method of balancing. It won’t work but it’s very dramatic.

Spouse’s strength is the Freestyle Driveway Skiing, best executed after a snowstorm when he’s moving our cars around and cleaning them off. Because our garage is his third “territory” (the other two are his half of the living room sofa and the whole basement) and a car will never fit in there, his rule is that we park our vehicles on the grass when a storm is expected, so our plow guy can clean the whole driveway. Then we have to trudge through the snow to our cars, clean them off and park them in the neatly plowed driveway. Technically, that should qualify for the cross-country (fine, cross-driveway) event.

Finally, there is that Maine specialty – the roof raking event. Come on, you know you want a medal for having to rake your roof.

There were a few wardrobe malfunctions during the Olympics this year. Mainers can relate, what with boots getting caught in deep snow drifts, scarves flying off during high winds and gloves mysteriously disappearing on the coldest day of the year. Wait – that would be one glove, never both.

It’s been an entertaining Olympic season, but we only get to see it every four years. Good thing Maine winters provide us with plenty of opportunity to practice our techniques. Maybe roof raking will make it to Beijing in 2022.

1 comment:

  1. The roof raking event...LOL! Driving over black ice is the only event I've ever participated in, and I was disqualified early on with a broken my passenger!